Pillow Talk: BDSM: a gentle, firm introduction

You spoke and I listened. You emailed and I replied, eventually.

By popular request, it's "The BDSM Newbie Article"! BDSM: It's not just for leather clad weirdos, anymore.

That picture perfect couple down the street? Yeah, they like to play "Officer and The Naughty Criminal" once in a while, too.

I'm not here to make judgment calls concerning what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom but I do want you to be safe and well informed.

Let us banish the rumors and myths and get down to the facts.

The Basics

Depending on whom you talk with BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sado-masochism or bondage, domination, submission and masochism. Most people seem to agree on the bondage and the masochism, but the rest seems open for personal interpretation.

Communication

An integral part of the BDSM community from newbies to experts alike is communication and consent. Trust is in there as well, but effective communication breeds trust, and true consent doesn't happen without trust. The community has worked so hard to make communication and consent the norm that the mantra, "Safe, Sane and Consensual" has even entered popular mainstream culture.

It is vital everyone from dabblers to veterans to practice effective communication. We have all been in that situation where we are trying to decide where to eat when the other person in the car says, "Oh, anywhere is fine with me." But when you suggest a pizza joint or a Chinese place you are told, "Eww, not there! I hate Chinese food (or pizza or whatever)." This breakdown in communication can happen in the bedroom just as easily. In short, talk a lot and explain yourself but listen more than you talk.

B is for Bondage

There is no reason you have to shop at some specialty store, or even the hardware store for that matter, to dabble in a little bondage. Scarves work just as well as expensive cuffs. While we're on the subject of cuffs, if you insist on using them please make sure the keys are not only in a safe place but easy to reach in an emergency, too. If your roommate (or parent) comes home unexpectedly and you forgot to lock your bedroom door you'll want quick, easy access to those keys.

Should you lose the keys to those real handcuffs you're going to have to call the cops to help you. You think they won't talk? Think again. By the end of the night, every cop in the county will have heard about your sexual escapade as well as every hilarious detail. Don't become a punch line, keep track of those keys!

But why bother with restraints, at all? Mental bondage might be right up your alley. "No matter how good this feels don't move an inch or I'll stop."

Did You See My Sub?

For newbies, often the first experimentation into the area of domination and sado-masochism is spanking. It doesn't require any special equipment (see: hand) and most of us are familiar with the technique.

There are a few things to keep in mind. Unless the spanker is a ditch digger, his or her hand alone shouldn't be hard enough to cause permanent damage, fraternity paddles are a different matter. Your safest bet for spanking without maiming is going to be the spankee's fleshy buttock cheeks. Most people think the tailbone is located just below the small of the back when in reality it is found an inch or two below the beginning of the buttock divide.

If a person is bent over and then hit with a frat paddle across the crack, there is a good chance of injuring that tailbone. Break that bone and the spankee will quickly learn from the ER doctor that there is no cast for a broken tailbone. Just an embarrassing inflatable donut to sit on for 6 to 18 months.

Be careful. If you're going to spank or be spanked, use your common sense and remember to avoid the tailbone area. I hope that satisfied your educational needs. Let me know if you have further questions.

To improve your depth of knowledge I recommend "The Complete Spanker" by Lady Green and "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" by Jay Wiseman.

Your feedback is always appreciated. Email us at printz@usm.edu or Glory directly at glory@askglory.com.