Ugg boots might be comfortable, but they're not fashionable

I do not apologize for any offense or hard feelings I cause in the course of this article. This is for your own good.

What follows is a brief history of the Ugg boots, their original function, and why you look like a tool when you wear them.

To those who cringe at the sight of these fashion atrocities, you can blame these great moguls of style for starting the trend in the 30's: Australian farmers.

Those farmers even coined the precursor to the brand name we use today: "ugh," slang for - can you guess?

Ugly.

Pilots in World War I were the first to catch on to the craze. Except they changed the word to "fug" for "flying ugg." At this point the adjective "fugly" appeared in American lexicon, now attributed to the f-word + ugly to avoid bad press for this singularly hideous footwear.

In the 60s, Australian competitive surfers discovered the boots and used them for the reasonable purpose of insulation after catching a wave. Brian Smith was one such surfer. He took a few of his Uggs to show off to his Californian counterparts in the late 70s and hit an enterprising minefield.

Within his first season of business, he sold 48 pairs of Uggs. And thus the infection spread.

Now, Uggs are perfectly acceptable in truly cold and very dry conditions. Their use in northern states, while unattractive, is excusable. Contrary to apparent popular belief, however, simple meteorology tells us that Mississippi's weather patterns differ slightly from those of Chicago.

So, Mississippi Ugg Wearer, when you slip on your $180 Uggs in "winter" (as we like to call it when the temperature drops below 50), you look geographically challenged.

When you sport them in "spring" (above 50, below 90) with shorts or a mini-skirt, you look like you have an identity crisis.

Beyond their impracticalities in our climate, Uggs are utterly rep-ugg-nant in the aesthetical sense. I imagine all sorts of deformities under the mound-shaped shoes: elephantitis, clubfoot, hobbit-foot? What are you hiding? Do I want to know?

Just understand that you aren't emulating some high-minded runway guru who has the training and experience to explain his radical creations. No. Your feet bear the badge of an Australian farmer, a WWI pilot and a freezing surfer on a beach 2,000 miles away.

Did Brian understand the implications of his sales to the Californian surfers? I like to hope that no one would so deftly cripple good taste just to turn a profit.

In any case, he's left us with our generation's greatest fashion faux pas.

We'll look back on our Uggs as our parents look back on their platform clogs.

We'll share an uncomfortable laugh as we try to excuse our style transgressions to our children, who will no doubt be swindled into an equally heinous fashion statement -- heaven help us if one should ever exist.