Crisis averted: simple solutions, big rewards

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ThinMintYou have heard about the budget cuts for a while now, and people are exploring solutions.

But, I think they’re overcomplicating and overthinking things. To fix the budget, creativity is key. Without researching any credible information or running any figures by anyone who might have a clue as to what he or she’s doing, I created five common-sense and fool-proof solutions that our school administration could use to fix this pesky budget problem.

1| Auction off parking spots in front of certain buildings.

Who wouldn’t want to drive right on up to the LAB? Especially since the weather is starting to cool down, people would be willing to pay a pretty penny for some prime parking.

After all, who wants to walk 15 minutes uphill in the snow to get to and from class? No one, that’s who. Not only does the administration fix the budget issue by selling these spots for $10 per 10 minutes of class but they also resolve the “sufficient parking or nah” problem that apparently exists according to every parking post ever on the Confessions of a Southern Miss Student Facebook Page.

2| Go digital and get personal.

When I was still deciding whether I wanted to attend USM or not, I was guaranteed something in the mail: a postcard.

Every. Other. Day.

Now, don’t misunderstand me; mail is nice. But is it necessary to send out impersonal post cards that often? Imagine the printing and postal costs these rack up.

Instead, the people should designate weekly or bi-monthly personalized e-mails to be sent to prospective students. Postcards are nice in moderation, but one every other day (which may be an exaggeration) is a bit excessive and busting the budget.

3| Seymour Scouts.

Alright administration, it’s time for y’all to tie your business shoes and go door-to-door in the dorms and buildings.

Time to do a favorite pastime of the Girl Scouts: selling cookies. These are not your ordinary cookies, however.

These are cookies shaped like Seymour’s Aquila chrysaetos noggin. Instead of Thin Mints, sell MintsTTT, and forget Caramel deLites. CaramelTalons are the way to go. After all, USM loves eagle paraphernalia.

4| Pander to the Mississippi Legislature—Shakespeare style.

While the budget is hardly completed by state funding, pandering to the state legislature couldn’t hurt. Therefore, I propose that the English Department put their creative writing skills to the test and write Shakespearean-reminiscent appeals to Mississippi’s legislature.

Here are a few title suggestions: Romeo and Bullet—a play about a boy and his first shotgun—Much Ado About Living-Within-Our-Means—an ode to the fiscally responsible members within the legislature—and House and Senate Appropriations Give us Ole Miss and MSU’s Money Please—a comedy.

5| Sell the chemistry equipment.

Who wouldn’t pay to mix chemicals without the watchful eye of a TA?

Therefore, the school should start auctioning off its chemistry equipment. Nothing could possibly go wrong with people mixing random chemicals outside the laboratory setting, so it’s time for the science department to depart with some of their beloved chemicals.

This departure from safety would surely help in lessening the impact of less enrollment. What could go wrong?

Sometimes simplicity is the best answer to fixing issues. I implore the administration to consider these completely unscientific options when it comes to fixing this budget crisis in which we exist.

These are tough times, but we the students warrant the best the school can provide, and if that means they have to pull themselves up by up by their bootstraps and work, then so be it. We deserve it.