Crocs: The squeaking killer

“Never have I ever owned a pair of Crocs.” (Everyone puts one finger down but myself.) That’s right. I’m a proud resister of the shoe-shaped, swiss cheese looking rubber since 2002.

I remember the first time I saw a pair of Crocs. It was hate at first sight. A girl in my eighth grade history class had on a pair of yellow Crocs, and my first thought was, “Why does that girl have slices of cheese on her feet?” Any shoe that can be compared to a cow by-product needs to be reconsidered.

However, I was clearly the only person with a brain in 2004 because then Crocs did the unthinkable: they made more types of Crocs— Crocs flip flops, Crocs flats, Crocs without holes, Crocs Mary Janes, Crocs heels and Crocs anything else you could imagine. What is even more appalling is that people bought them. Walking through the halls of middle school sounded like a symphony of mice squeaking. It still makes me cringe to this day.

But that still wasn’t enough. People weren’t satisfied with senselessly wearing rubber on their feet. The Crocs fanatics had to make their rubber clogs stand out from everyone else’s. So, Jibbitz, or Crocs charms, were born. As if your rubber shoes don’t tell enough about your tragic personality, please snap a ladybug or a Hello Kitty charm into the holes of your cheese shoes so I can better understand you as a person.

Someone literally created a company to make little, plastic, snappy things that fit into the holes of Crocs, and Crocs bought them out for $20 million in 2006.

Besides the fact that Crocs are visually repulsive and absolutely ridiculous, what makes Crocs so horrible? Well, if you still aren’t convinced, let’s look at some serious, pressing issues involving the rubber foot adornments.

If you are a decent human being, you probably watch Swamp People. If you don’t, you need to. Anyway, there was an episode in season two where Troy Landry’s right-hand woman Liz Cavalier wears a pair of camouflage Crocs to alligator hunt. Troy instantly makes fun of her and tells her that rubber shoes are impractical for alligator hunting. Well, guess what happens? Liz slips in the boat due to the lack of gripping on her shoes. She is out for 3 days and has to go to the swamp healer. It’s just an all around terrible situation, all because of her beloved Crocs. Tragic.

Now, if you unfortunately aren’t an alligator hunter and you still need convincing, a large portion of hospitals around the world have banned Crocs. When Crocs were in their prime, they were worn by many nurses. However, due to the holes in the shoes and the flimsy rubber material, they have been seen as unsafe to wear around needles and other medical equipment.

Between August and September 2007, there were 39 reports of escalator injuries in Japan due to Crocs or similar rubber clogs. Most of these injuries were children whose toes were injured from their Crocs getting stuck. Standing near the edge of an escalator, the loose fitting and light shoe can be sucked into the machinery. Similar incidents were reported in the United States beginning in 2005. In comparison, there are approximately 60 shark attacks in the world each year. There were 40 Crocs related injuries in one country over a one month period. Crocs are dangerous and they must be stopped.

I really look up to people in the medical field, and I really look up to swamp legend Troy Landry. I believe that medical professionals and Landry make valuable contributions to the world, and they also fight passionately against Crocs. Those are people after my own heart right there.

In conclusion, Crocs basically suck. They are ugly and pointless and try to take toes off innocent Asian children. If you are still a Crocs consumer, it’s time you aren’t.