“Don’t mess with my man!”: Why Facebook and relationships don’t mix

Meet Jack and Sally. Jack and Sally have bachelor’ degrees from the University of Southern Mississippi. Jack met Sally one night while having cocktails at The Frat House. Jack was impressed that Sally knew how to “drop bass in her face” during a Skrillex remix while simultaneously drinking a sex on the beach and doing the wobble. Sally noticed that Tom knew every word to “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks and had a six-pack under his crisply ironed v-neck tee. It was love at first sight.

Three weeks after Jack and Sally start dating, Sally decided to take their relationship to the next level after a romantic evening at TGI Friday’s, where Jack treated her to a 2 for $20 dinner. Apparently the way to a woman’s heart is splitting a fried mozzarella stick appetizer and a sizzling chicken and cheese plate. They even sat on the same side of the booth so that when dessert came, Jack could easily feed Sally the strawberry off the slice of vanilla bean cheesecake that came complimentary with the meal. For $22 (can’t forget the two dollar tip), Jack sealed the deal. That’s right, folks; Jack and Sally became Facebook official.  

Two months after they made their love for each other public, Jack’s cousin Tammy wrote on Jack’s wall.

“Hey, boo boo! I miss you sooo much,” Tammy said. “When I come in town next week, we must get together and go for cocktails.”

Since Jack and Sally are clearly the same person now, Sally has access to all of Jack’s social media passwords and vice versa. Sally obviously blew a fuse when she saw the post. Tammy had blonde hair, a curvaceous body and black-rimmed glasses. She was one of those hipster sluts Sally worried about. Sally smeared her Rimmel 24-hour mascara as tears ran down her face. She sent Tammy a Facebook message calling her a tramp and telling her to stay away from her “boo bear love bunny.”

Sally became so mad at Tammy for trying to “get with her man” that she immediately ran to Facebook to make a status about what “trifling” boyfriend stealer this girl is. On top of that, Sally ended her and Jack’s relationship on Facebook without even telling him. The world knew about Jack and Sally’s breakup before Jack even knew.

The same day, Sally passed her state board tests in cosmetology. Her gay friend Philippe, who just so happens to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model, wrote on her wall.

“Congratulations, hot momma,” he said. “The text time I see you, we’re going to get drinks, cutie, and they’re on me!”

When Jack is trolling through Sally’s news feed, he sees with his own two eyes that this muscle bear is trying to lure Sally into his beefy, toned arms. He, in turn, threatens to drive to Los Angeles and beat his brains in while simultaneously texting Sally and saying, “You’re a cheater, and it’s over!”

Jack and Sally broke up with each other at the same exact time over a first cousin and gay man. Clearly, Facebook is a credible source to find out if your significant other is cheating on you. Stop that. No, it’s not.  Finding out about relationships on Facebook is like using Wikipedia to source a research paper—you just don’t do it.

What’s the moral of the story, boys and girls? Trust is something that many of you take for granted in your over-publicized and over-dramatic Facebook relationships. Maybe you should focus more on your actual relationship instead of what you think you see on Facebook. I have a news flash for you: if someone wants to sleep with someone else, break your heart and cheat on you, then they’re going to do it. Point blank. Facebook isn’t going to hinder anyone’s decisions.  All it’s going to do is make you jealous and cloud your judgment.      

Take one piece of advice for your sassy gay friend: keep your relationship off Facebook. You’ll thank me later.