Honey Boo Boo: Making Mississippi look better one episode at a time

Aug. 9, 2012 is a day that a new reality television show surpassed all trashy reality television shows before it. The catastrophic and heartbreaking situation that is “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” is one that you love to hate, or in some cases, hate to love. My friends and I, unfortunately, fall in the latter category. If you have viewed a television in the last couple of months, you have then heard of this tragic sensation that showcases the South’s finest family.

    The show is a spin-off of the ever controversial “Toddlers and Tiaras.” In case you’ve been MIA the last few years, this show looks innocent from the surface, showcasing toddlers competing in beauty pageants for scholarship money. However, after analyzing the show closely, it is no more than never-been parents pimping out their daughters in order to reap the monetary benefit that will probably be saved only for her to reach the ripe young age of 21 for her to spend all of her winnings on a pack of Lucky Strike and some fine Burnett’s vodka.

    Dressing up their children in glittery costumes and a face full of make-up, these pageants are nothing if not shameful. Much different from other scholarly pageants, this one focuses on the beauty and talent of children, sometimes showcasing six-year-old girls in Marilyn Monroe attire or skimpy bikinis. Recently under scrutiny for a contestant’s costume being inspired by prostitute Vivian Ward Julia Robert’s prostitute character from “Pretty Woman”, this is not a seemingly innocent beauty contest.

    Alas, “Honey Boo Boo” is more than a look into the world of literal toddlers in tiaras. There is the glitzy/crazy pageant side, but then this little butterball named Alana is introduced, along with her home life (which includes a pig, and, no, I’m not talking about her mother).  The Thompson-Shannon family lives in Georgia; this is a moment when we can finally say, “Praise the Lord, these people aren’t from Mississippi!” No, we finally don’t have to claim ownership to these tragic people who redefine anything anyone has ever thought of a redneck family. So, unlike the funny, hard-working, “bless-your-heart” rednecks from “Duck Dynasty” and “Swamp People,” the characters of “Hone Boo Boo” are disgusting, repulsive and, frankly, an embarrassment to anyone who calls himself a Southerner.

    Between Mama’s flatulence, flirting and forklift foot, it is nearly impossible to hold back the bile. Why do I subject myself to this misery, you ask? Simply because it’s a train wreck. It is so utterly and hopelessly tragic that I can’t look away. Every time I think I’m ready to change the channel, I find myself stopping to see how Alana will talk about biscuits-not the kind you’re thinking about-and see if they could possibly out-do the trashiness from the previous episode.

    I’m ashamed to say that I am an avid viewer of this show, and at one point I’ve referred to it as the deterioration of Southern society, but I enjoy watching it because it makes me laugh in between the countless WTF moments. We enjoy watching something that is 10 times more tragic than ourselves because it makes us feel normal. Even when I am feeling down, I can always look at June, Sugar Bear, Pumpkin, Chubbs and Chickadee and know that all of America is not watching me and blaming me for the next Civil War that may ensue, that I am finally not the brunt of everyone’s jokes; Honey Boo Boo is. Y’all better redneckonize!

    Not only are they asking for $10,000 per episode, they for sure are getting fame and redneckognition. TLC recently doubled down on the first season of this hit reality show. Specials will also air that are tied to Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. How are they getting this much attention? Why is a better question. They are an absolute, atrocious mess. How are they making this much money doing absolutely nothing, while we hard working citizens make next to nothing. If all it takes to become successful in reality television is some unfortunate soul, then my friends and I would’ve been rolling in the dough years ago.

    Some say that winning these pageants is a bragging right, where I say the title of  “Little Miss-I-Look-Pretty-So-I-Can-Win-Money-For-Mountain-Dew-And-Twinkies” isn’t that prestigious. Honey Boo Boo does not really even focus on the pageant side of their lives. However, the lack of focus obviously doesn’t matter to America. This should make me feel the need to examine the lives of our society and to question the intelligence of the media world, but then I sit back and get lost in the pudgy, little belly of Alana and realize that I don’t care what it’s about. I watch this show to boost my morale. I think about that time that I embarrassed myself when talking to a hot guy or that time I went to class looking completely awful and my teacher pointed me out, but then I realize that at least I am not enough of an embarrassment to be a worldwide entertainment phenomenon.

    Another sad point to take into consideration is the fact that these poor people don’t even know they are being made fun of. I wonder if they are really that uneducated. This show is based on their sheer stupidity. I often wonder if Alana will be embarrassed about or proud of the show when she is older.  She is not a Grand-Supreme winner of any pageant, but she is just strikingly adorable with her mumbling words and thirst for Mountain Dew.