New Moon, Old disappointments

"New Moon," the much-anticipated sequel to "Twilight," continues the story of the aptly-named Bella (because she's beautiful, get it?) and her love affair with Edward Cullen, a vampire who is over 100 years old but still goes to high school. In the first film, Bella and Edward are drawn together solely by their intense desire to rip each others' clothes off (technically, it's his thirst for blood, but the metaphor is desperately clear).
 
In "New Moon," Edward leaves Bella because his urges are just … too … great. Edward is gone, leaving Bella time to reconnect with her now-muscular friend Jacob, a cute boy with a secret. He's a werewolf, of course, as the film's marketing and copious amounts of foreshadowing have let us in on this fact far before Bella is able to figure it out. Strange, as spotting a werewolf in human form is hardly difficult. They are always shirtless, muscular Native American teenage boys with tight pants that cutoff at the knee. In the film, this is completely inexplicable and gratuitous, but I am told by readers of the book that this is because their body temperature reaches 180 degrees. Of course.
 
This is perhaps the greatest problem of "New Moon": what allegedly made sense in the book is thrown on screen without explanation. Why exactly does Bella see specter-like images of Edward every time she does something dangerous? And how does she know that riding on a motorcycle with a stranger will cause Edward to appear? And since when are motorcycles dangerous enough to elicit spirits of our long lost loves? Does she see Edward any time she eats fatty foods and doesn't exercise? Surely obesity kills more people than motorcycle accidents. This may have been clear in the book, but on screen, it's laughable.
 
Not as laughable, however, as the scene in which Bella has a motorcycle accident, and Jacob notices her head is bleeding. How does he stop the blood? By taking off his shirt and revealing his chiseled abs. While this may delight some younger fans, this viewer audibly laughed and the gratuitous nature of the scene. "Let me help you, Bella…by taking off my shirt and showing you how sexy I am!"
 
The climax of "New Moon" wants to be a parallel of Shakespeare's "Romeo & Juliet." They really want you to pick up on this, so much so that they have Bella and Edward essentially explain "Romeo & Juliet" to the audience in case they weren't aware how it ended. It is probably one of the most intelligence-insulting uses of foreshadowing in a film I've ever seen.
 
To top it off, the ending of "New Moon" doesn't actually parallel the conflict in "Romeo & Juliet." Bella is torn between a vampire and a werewolf, the Capulets and Montagues of the "Twilight" universe. Had "Romeo & Juliet" been about a girl who fell in love with Romeo and, say, Tybalt, then it would have possibly been clever. However, to apart lovers trying to kill themselves because of miscommunication, there is little connection.
 
The characters in the "Twilight" saga act in ways that are in no way connected to reality. They are controlled by and made up entirely of their passions. Jacob loves Bella because he loves her. Bella loves Edward because she loves him. The characters talk about two things: why they can't be together and why they should be together. What can we say about Edward other than he's a dreamy vampire who loves Bella? What can we say about Bella other than she never smiles and can't choose between Edward and Jacob?
 
In "Adventureland," Kristen Stewart played another young girl in love, but the characters in that film had motivations and needs from each other. That film tackled young love in a beautiful and believable way. The "Twilight" films are not about love at all. They are about lust and desire and the evils that will come to you if you give into them. And just when a character realizes life might not be so bad as a vampire, she decides the only right way to become one is after she's married. Give me a break.