New 'wonderland' not so wonderful

Lewis Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and the follow-up, “Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There” are classics in nonsense literature. The stories within them are masterpieces of illogical logic, both featuring memorable characters and wonderful poems filled with wordplay and wit. The 1951 Disney animated adaptation was a significantly watered-down representation of the original text, but it understood the “Alice” books and retained their spirit.

Dear reader, if you have any interest in “Alice in Wonderland,” here is where I suggest you cease your exploration into the “Alice” universe, because no good can come from seeing the latest adaptation of the Carroll classic.

There will certainly be a lot of fanboy love heaped at Disney’s new “Alice in Wonderland” film, as we all know disciples of both Tim Burton and Johnny Depp who believe the two men can do no wrong. I am hard pressed to understand exactly what there is to love about “Alice in Wonderland.” There is nothing likable about it, apart from perhaps the overblown visuals.

To be fair, I am thankful for the film’s masturbatory over-design, because without its “much muchness” there would be nothing to like about the film at all.

The story of this “re-imagining” of the “Alice” story is that Alice, now a young adult, runs away to Wonderland to avoid marrying Gil Chesterton from “Frasier.” She encounters several characters we remember from the novel, they are given obligatory screen time, and then, oh my god, Johhny Depp.

That’s “Alice in Wonderland” in a nutshell. It’s synergy at its most disgusting – let’s take the two most recent successful Disney franchises (“Pirates” and “Narnia”) and we’ll get Tim Burton to direct (to ensure Depp’s return to the Mouse Ears). The film quickly devolves into a star vehicle for Johnny Depp, reducing our title character to shrinking and growing and looking altogether puzzled and bored (that makes two of us, Alice).

Toward the end of the film, we’re bombarded with this message of feminine empowerment or destiny or something – I don’t know, by this point, I had stopped caring. I suppose if you had no former knowledge of the “Alice” books or the animated film, you could potentially enjoy this as a mediocre Narnia knockoff, but it’s impossible to enjoy it if you know how good it could have been.

Tim Burton has said in interviews that he wanted to bring structure to Wonderland, giving us characters to care about and a real story. What he failed to realize is that Alice is who we care about, and the fact that she’s thrust into a nonsensical world is why we empathize with her. Giving the Mad Hatter a backstory (and having actually made hats, for Christ’s sake!) only makes this seem like a poor attempt to remake
“The Wizard of Oz.”

 I remember the days when good films were released into theaters. With “Valentine’s Day,” “Shutter Island,” “Cop Out” and now this, such times are now a passing memory. Ah, well. There’s always “The Bounty Hunter” to look forward to.