Dorm room sex etiquette 101
Published: Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Updated: Tuesday, September 29, 2009 00:09
First off, congratulations freshmen, you've made it to college. Now that you're here, if you're living on campus, you probably have a roommate. Many of you may never have shared a room with anyone quite like this before, so prepare yourself for awkwardness.
This awkwardness will only magnify once you start the sometimes daunting task of trying to get laid, or simply trying to get off while alone while your roommate is around. You probably don't want to talk about things like your primal need for an orgasm with your roommate, but trust me, get the awkwardness out of the way now, so you can have a civil and fun time as roommates. So in order to avoid any sticky situations, take some of these polite precautions and consider having a one-on-one sit down with your roommate.
Let's start with an "alone" situation. Whether you're jacking or jilling off, both you and your roommate are probably doing it. If anything, just be polite about it. No one wants to be the creep who gets caught and has the story told all over their residence hall.
Either wait until you know your roommate is gone or plan around his or her schedule. Does your roomie go home for the weekend? Are any blocks of your roommate's schedule covered by club meetings and the like? Then that would be the perfect time to strike.
Also, never forget the power of knocking on your own door. Once you see your roommate midstroke at the computer, it will take a while to delete that from your memories and actually be able to look him or her in the eye again.
Communication is even more important when others are involved. Please, do not be the rude person who locks a roommate out because someone is in the room. Remember, it's not just your room, and your roommate might not want to leave the room late at night just because you want to bring someone over.
Inform the person you live with that you have someone over, or that someone may come over, so alternate plans can be made one way or the other. Two words: courtesy text.
Just imagine: flesh on flesh, the warm sweat of passion flowing, and all of a sudden the door swings open and the fluorescent light switches on, blinding you and your "buddy." Your roommate stands, mouth agape, over the armful of books he or she just dropped – still processing the split second of flopping genitals and fist clenching visible before you and your partner instantly transformed into a big sweaty pile of uncomfortable.
Also, please don't have phone sex and act like you're not. Your roommate knows; he or she can hear you, and you're probably making somebody want to vomit. Because no matter how quiet you're trying to be, your roommate can probably hear whatever sounds you're making, and who wants to have a quiet orgasm with a roommate within earshot anyway?
If nothing else, rely on the old time-tested method of hanging a tie on the door.