It’s come to my attention that I never had the chance to properly introduce myself last year. I’m not vain enough to believe that you’ve been adversely affected by your lack of knowledge in this area; however, in honor of our first issue for the 2017-2018 school year, here are seven things you should probably know about me.
Occasionally, however, I go by Courtney. That’s because a random boy passing me on campus one day called me Courtney and, too socially awkward to correct him, I decided assuming a new identity would be my easiest route of action.
(This is a metaphor for something, though I’m too exhausted right now to contemplate what.)
2. I am as well traveled as a boiled peanut (and often resemble one before my morning routine.)
When people first meet me, they assume that I am worldly. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was born in Pakistan, but I’ve spent far more time in Arkansas, Tennessee and Mississippi. I am just as southern as all ya’ll’s kinfolk bless your heart grits fried chicken mud ridin’ sweet potato. (Too much? I think I’ve proved my point.)
3. There’s a fine line between healthy admiration and obsession.
When it comes to mozzarella sticks, I am on the wrong side of that line.
My love for mozzarella sticks is rivaled only by my love for tweeting about my love for mozzarella sticks.
4. In spite of my column’s name, I’m often swiping left – on everything.
In a glass half full or half empty world, I occupy a reality where there is no glass – only darkness. This is not pessimism so much as it is realism with the lights turned off. Don’t think about it for too long.
5. I’m a senior but have been denied the benefits.
What even is the point of being a senior if I’m not allowed to speak without a filter? Why am I not better at bingo yet? Why is the only thing I’ve inherited a massive pile of homework and grad school applications and debt? (Haha, just kidding, I actually don’t have any college debt because I was a huge nerd in high school. Paying attention pays off, kids.)
6. When I’m not writing, I’m… writing.
Not only do I write for The Student Printz, but I’m also laboring away on a number of novels. In case you thought I couldn’t be any more insufferable, I want to be a full-time novelist someday and hope to pursue an MFA in creative writing in the near future. (Before I die, I’m desperate to obtain as many degrees society deems “useless” under my belt as possible.)
7. I am often accused of being “nice.”
This is an obvious attempt to defame the “tortured artist” personality that I have been working hard to cultivate over the years and that will someday help me sell my books. If anyone approaches you with such ghastly and erroneous claims, recognize their invalidity as quickly as possible and file them away under “fake news,” which, incidentally, would be a great name for a Swipe Right spin-off.