You may have noticed there was no Swipe Right last week. I was recovering from bronchitis and walking pneumonia and figured no one would want to read engrossing reviews of prescription medications and chicken noodle soup (Campbell’s, which tastes like how I imagine asphalt to taste, wins by a long shot, and cough syrup is still the worst thing on earth.)
So what did I do with my time off from school? Entangle myself in more challenges? Troll frat boys on Tinder? Contemplate the worth of my often extraneous existence?
No, no and only sometimes.
Instead, I spent the vast majority of my time Netflixing a popular early 2000s drama called “One Tree Hill” – “mindless” entertainment that proved to be about as mindless as astrophysics. Needless to say, I have quite a few questions that I’d like to pose to you all this week. I’m only on the third season, but a lot has happened so read with some caution. There are lots and lots of spoilers ahead. (Then again, if you still run the risk of having an early 2000s drama spoiled, maybe it’s just what you need.)
1. Why does everyone barge into each other’s rooms like they own the place?
In every other scene, you see characters suddenly appearing in each other’s rooms. These people do not live together. And yet, no one is ever fazed.
Do you know what would happen if the people in my life suddenly adopted this practice? I don’t even keep my door closed at home, and I’m 100 percent sure I’d have a heart attack 100 percent of the time.
2. What’s up with Peyton’s webcam?
Speaking of things that shouldn’t happen in bedrooms, why is everyone so chill about the fact that Peyton has a silent camera broadcasting her every move to the world? Is this a thing people did in the early 2000s? Was murder and kidnapping obsolete from 2000 – 2005? And also – why? What do people get from watching Peyton so constantly? I get that she’s an attractive person and all, but watching even attractive people drawing pictures at their desk for hours at a time sounds like it would get pretty old pretty fast.
3. Are we just going to pretend those 10 minutes in Charleston didn’t happen?
Remember that time Lucas and Keith packed up all their belongings, caused as much damage as they possibly could and then skipped town to tearful goodbyes? To the average person, this part was just as bewildering as the rest of the show’s unsolved mysteries. To me, however, it was hilariously (read: painfully) relatable. I moved around a lot growing up and would often say my goodbyes and make peace with leaving only to learn that I’d be staying. One time, I thought I was going to move all the way to Maine. That didn’t happen. I thought I was going to move to California. That also didn’t happen. And then I thought I was going to move to Mississippi, and I wished that wouldn’t have happened, but here I am now.
4. Dan Scott. Just Dan Scott.
Can we talk about how relentlessly awful this man is? The only thing more unnerving than his constant need to manipulate and destroy everyone within breathing distance is his post- heart attack niceties. Literally all anyone talks about is how much they hate him and what a terrible person he is – so why does anyone put up with him?
5. Deb Scott.
Speaking of people who put up with Dan, Deb Scott is. . . Geez. Deb Scott. I guess I should’ve expected anyone who’d put up with Dan for so long to be just as bad as he is (if not worse), but I loved Deb at first. Now, though, I’m wondering if she’s competing with Dan to be the worst person on the show.