Swipe Right

Swipe Right

As we near the end of the semester, I wanted to give you all some tips to help you survive our last few weeks.

After all, college can be hard, and nothing is harder than facing final projects and tests with three months of summer looming on a distant horizon. A bit of advice can go a long way. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I am less a person and more an amalgamation of things that should not be done at any time, let alone during the most stressful times of the year. So instead of providing tips for what you should do, I’m going to give you tips for what you shouldn’t do, based on things I’ve done recently.

Avoid these things, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a successful end to the semester.

1. Don’t ask strangers on the internet to challenge you. Chances are, they will.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve enjoyed completing your challenges, and hopefully I’ll be able to talk about my experiences in depth next week when I’ve finished them all. But this endeavor isn’t exactly conducive to successful living. I have two major term papers due next week and instead of working on them, I spent last night videotaping myself trying to contour lines on my face.

One of these activities will make me successful someday. The other is something my parents can actually brag about at dinner parties.

2. Don’t follow trends.

I’m going to blame this one on the 5K challenge, which left me feeling adventurous and indestructible after I completed it Thursday. So what did I do with my newfound courage? I tried Starbucks’ unicorn frappuccino. A terrible idea, as I’m sure many of you know, whose terribleness I only further compounded later in the night when I did something even more courageous (number 3). What bothers me most about Starbucks latest drink is the fact that so many warned me against drinking it, right until the straw touched my lips, and I still thought I’d somehow be immune to its dastardly effects.

Alas, I was not. I’m still shuddering.

3. Don’t make major changes to your appearance.

After drinking the unicorn frappuccino, I went home and chopped off a good twenty inches of my hair. In a matter of mere hours, I lost my best feature. (First person to say “but no one sees it anyway” gets a dirty look.)

This happened approximately 24 hours after completing the 5K. I’m not saying the two events are related. I’m not saying they’re not.

All I’m saying is that there’s nothing more depressing than walking out into the world after a major appearance change and having absolutely no one look at you any differently.

4. Chocolate is good. Post-Easter chocolate in sacrilegious amounts is most likely bad. Don’t.

What’s brown, on clearance and the reason I haven’t lost any weight since the 5K?

Stay away from large amounts of chocolate and other sweets. They’re all fun and games while you’re sobbing over finals, but the minute the proverbial “final bell” rings for summer and you put on your new swimsuit, you’ll regret pigging out. (Unless your new swimsuit is a burkini. In that case, eat all you want. I will join you. We’ll make it a dinner party where we feast on chocolate and discuss our social media accomplishments.)

5. Procrastination is, remarkably enough, still the most struggling nation.

I was brought into this world via induced labor and have been battling deadlines since. This used to mean doing the project and writing the paper the night before it was due. Nowadays, however, it means doing them the morning of. Earlier this month, I woke up a couple hours before my class and wrote a nine page paper in roughly four hours. How I’ve managed to maintain a competitive GPA is a wonder I no longer have the mental capacity to contemplate, but don’t be like me. Make things easier for yourself. Start early.


 

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