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It’s that time of the year again.

Foliage is shriveling up and crumbling, Ugg boots are groaning in the backs of Mississippi closets, the summer breeze has become slightly less summery, and ‘cuffing season’ – when miserable singles everywhere desire a person to share their misery – is in full swing. After all, who doesn’t want a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a presence to shield you from judging eyes as you eat your third half-pound burger for the day?

Am I describing a boyfriend or a girdle?

Here’s why the latter makes a better option this winter.

1. Girdles provide support without commentary.

I concede that commentary regarding reasons why your bad ideas are bad is generally a good thing. But sometimes, you just want support. Sometimes, you just want to do the bad things and deal with the regret later. A girdle won’t stop you, and it’ll be there to hold you when you hate yourself later.

2.Girdles are great eating companions.

Speaking of half-pound burgers— with a girdle, you don’t have to worry about looking like a cow when you eat a cow. Girdles make you look fabulous no matter what you eat (unless what you eat is a house. If you get THAT under-the-weather, please look for a companion of the therapist variety instead. Even girdles have limits.)

3. Constant hugs.

Who doesn’t want an eternal embrace around their midsection?


Wait, this sounds horrible.

4. Girdles grow with you (kind of.)

With a girdle, you don’t have to worry about your significant other remaining in stasis while you progress, or about remaining in stasis while your significant other progresses. A girdle will grow as you do, until you grow too much and it explodes. Don’t grow too much.

5. Girdles will make you look eager and approachable.

If you’ve ever sat down in a chair with a girdle on, you know that they force you to sit up straight and lean forward. This gives you the guise of eagerness. Eagerness makes you more approachable. If you’re more approachable, people are more likely to talk to you.

Wait, this might be a disadvantage.