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Happy New Year everyone!

This week, I’m taking you guys back in time.

After combing through my bookshelves at home, I recently learned (rediscovered?) that high school me was a very particular brand of nerd— a nerd who felt an inexplicable, almost compulsive need to jot everything, no matter how mundane or trivial, down in a journal.

Most of these entries are horrible and useless and do nothing aside from offering a trip down the dark, winding path of Memory Lane.

One entry, though, is somewhat interesting. It’s dated Friday, July 27, 2012, and it’s a list of ten things I hoped to accomplish before I turned 17 in roughly six months’ time. Stumbling across this entry as a nearly-22-year-old is a jarring experience, to say the least.

Case in point: I have yet to accomplish nearly all of the things on the list.

In the spirit of a New Year (and because I was too busy to make any resolutions on Dec. 31) I’ve decided to honor my ridiculous past self and make some of her desires my 2018 goals. But because I’m not insane, I’m also going to update them to be a little more realistic— my 16-year-old self was ambitious to a fault— and a little more befitting of a college senior with common sense and a tendency to abandon self- improvement projects.

1.) Become a bestselling author

I laughed so hard at this one, and it was first on my list. I’m updating it to “find a person who enjoys a bestselling book I’ve read. Talk to them about it until they have to make an excuse to get away.” I don’t think we, as a society, talk about books nearly as often as we should. I also don’t think we talk enough in general. I’m looking forward to fulfilling this goal.

2.) Learn Jon Schmidt’s “All of Me”

I’ve learned other piano compositions by Jon Schmidt before, so this one isn’t THAT insane. But it’s been a good four or five years since I’ve even looked at a piano. I’m updating this to “Learn to whistle Eliphalet Oram Lyte’s ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat.’” This goal is great because it will allow me to have a new method of defense readily available in case I am ever held hostage. Trust me, no bad guy could stomach this composition paired with my underwhelming whistling skills for very long.

3.) Travel to seven new states

I’m updating this one to “get out of bed before 12 p.m. seven days in a row.” I don’t think I’ve ever actually slept in until 12 before, but there’s a first time for everything and past infractions have made me wise enough to give myself the wiggle room.

4.) Maintain a 100 average in four classes.

I know, I know— High School Hiba was a nightmare. Speaking of nightmares, I’m updating this to “maintain full consciousness in one class all semester,” and it’s probably going to be the most challenging one on this list.

5.) Knit a Sweater

In addition to being insufferable, High School Hiba appears to have been an aspiring grandmother. I’m updating this to “knit my brows less,” because frowning causes wrinkles and no one wants wrinkles.

6.) Inspire Someone

I’m updating this to “inspire whoever reads this list to join me in completing it, and then eventually rule the world together.”

ARE YOU IN?