Swipe Right


It’s no secret that one of the most controversial aspects of president-elect Trump’s platform involves his stance on Muslims, a group of which I, obviously, am a frighteningly visible part.

One of the more shocking parts of this platform is the infamous “database” – a proposal that would force all immigrants from Muslim countries to register when they come to the U.S.

At first read, it sounds terrible. At second read, it sounds even worse.

But I’m here to help you see the silver lining, in an imaginary world where I’m incredibly skilled at hacking computers.

Here are three reasons why I don’t think the database is a terrible idea.

1. I am the victim of random hankerings for hummus

I’m always on the lookout for good, authentic Muslim cuisine (which is not a thing, but in Trump’s America, Muslims tend to be viewed as a monolith). I imagine hacking into government databases is pretty tough and hunger-inducing. Thankfully, I’ll have a legion of Arab restaurant owners at my fingertips. There’s nothing quite like pistachio ice-cream to relieve hunger. (Because pistachio ice-cream is terrible and makes you wish you were dead, and the dead don’t eat. Also, being dead relieves you of 100 percent of your problems. It’s a win-win, really.)


2. We’re all afraid of our extended family.

We’re particularly afraid of our extended family abroad.

The great thing about the database is that it discourages long-forgotten relatives from making surprise visits, which is a thing for which I’ve always secretly hoped because I enjoy conflict and I can’t think of anything more conflict inducing than my entire extended family arriving for a surprise visit. (Pass the popcorn, amirite?) However, with Trump as our president, I’m sure we’ll have more than enough conflict to keep us preoccupied for the next four years, so this is a good thing. Probably.

3. Suitors. Enough said.

Do you know how much easier it would be to stalk…erm, get to know – potential suitors with a database at your fingertips? Under Trump, Muslim youth have no excuse for not finding viable life partners and/or alternative life choices. Trump has made it ridiculously easy to hit up homeboy or homegirl or home-falafel or home-deadend-job-at-the-local-7-eleven.