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Opinion Tim ‘Cooks’ up underwhelming release

Tim ‘Cooks’ up underwhelming release

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Apple’s ad “Don’t Blink” features the release of the iPhone 7 and brings tears to one’s eyes – tears of laughter. In an attempt to connect with an audience who loves over-hyped technology, Apple has made an ad that crams the entire release event into 107 seconds of bad ideas.

Firstly, the phone looks identical to the iPhone 6 and 6 plus. And now, if you can handle it and are edgy enough, you can get an iPhone 7 that’s blacker than black – “ A black so black, it’s black to the core,” which is an actual quote from the commercial.

Then Apple introduces some new upgrades like the A10 fusion chip thingamajig, 25 percent increase in retina display, two speakers so you can play your bad music loudly for all to hear and a longer battery life. Apple claims it’s “the longest battery life of any iPhone ever made,” so for all we know it could be 20 seconds longer. Oh, you can also drop your phone in the toilet with no worries, because the iPhone 7 is water resistant.

The only thing that looked halfway decent was the 12 megapixel camera – being that I am a photo nerd, this is the only modification that captured my attention. The iPhone 7 Plus will have two lenses, optical zoom capabilities and could possibly change the landscape of photojournalism and citizen journalism as a whole – or give you the ability to make your dog an internet sensation.The biggest drawback of iPhone 7’s design is Apple’s need to push its forward-thinking presence and win the title of “The Most Edgy Phone Maker Award 2016.”

I feel like Steve Jobs repeatedly told Tim Cook AirPods were stupid, and no we aren’t going to make them, Tim, stop asking. Then Steve Jobs died, and now we have the new “lightning port” technology (an equally stupid name compared to AirPods) because the technology of an headphone jack apparently isn’t edgy enough.

Due to copyright reasons, “AirBuds” was not a possible name choice for the new $159 headphones with the capacity to hold a charge for five hours. So not only do you have to charge these buggers, you now have the ability to lose them easily because they have no cord connecting them. The internet has created an outpour of jokes regarding AirPods’ design, functionality and practicality.

Just to annoy everyone who recently purchased an Apple Watch, Apple announced the new and improved Apple Watch 2. It’s water resistant, has a GPS tracker, has a brighter screen than its predecessor, is made with material four times stronger than steel and, as an added bonus, it can tell time.

For this release, I believe I’ll stick with my current device. Not because I’m a stickler, but because it seems like Apple’s reselling the same design with the same problems. So for those of you gunning to get the iPhone 7, find your nearest Apple wizard or whatever it is, spend five minutes waiting for your card chip to read so you can spend 749 big ones, and this monstrosity is yours, baby.


 

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