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Swipe Right


Guess what, you guys?

Swipe Right is now a proficient crawler with a mature pincer grasp and severe separation anxiety.

That’s right! My horrible humor column is a whole year old. You’ve been listening to me ramble about nothing for one year now, and – as I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know – I still somehow have more to talk about.

Before we embark on this journey toward the terrible twos, however, I thought I’d return to my roots and introduce a new “project.”

For those of you who don’t remember the inception of this column and can’t guess from the name, Swipe Right began as a response to the dating app Tinder – more specifically, as a response to my awkward experiences on the app – and has since evolved into a rambling narrative about life as a hijabi in the most southern place on earth.

I have covered it all and I’m excited to cover more, but this week, I’m returning to Tinder – and this time, I’m doing it for my friends.

Now, I’m sure you realize that trusting an instant gratification addict and struggling college student/humor columnist with your love life is the questionable act of someone who is probably very, very desperate. I’m sure you also know that such desperate people exist, often in mass quantities.

I wrote about one such person in my novel, which you can read in a few years when it’s either published or dropped from the top story of a tall, tall building. In my novel, the person in question trusts the protagonist to find her a boyfriend by pretending to be her on Tinder.

I have also been lucky enough to find a similarly desperate person in my own newsroom. 

Enter Kaitlyn, the executive editor of The Student Printz, who— in spite of knowing how horribly the aforementioned character suffers as a result of my protagonist’s less-than-amazing matchmaking skills— has decided to trust me with her love life.

I feel it necessary to note we’re doing things that are markedly different from the things that happened in my novel (since those things would probably be illegal), but we’re seeking the same outcome.

I’m on Tinder for Kaitlyn, but I’m not pretending to be her. I’m serving as a sort of overly emotional, oversharing middleman.

In my bio, I’ve explained that I’m looking for someone to date my friend. I’ve also added a stipulation: before they date my friend, they have to meet me for an interview.

For my profile picture, I’ve uploaded a polaroid of me and Kaitlyn and then blacked out most of my face. I left an eye out so that her matches would remember I’m still there, and I’m always watching.

I figure anyone willing to brave an interview and an eye with that much eyeliner must be really, really into Kaitlyn, and surprisingly enough, we do have some matches– And though we’ve had quite a few interesting things happen already, my matchmaking business is still in its infancy and I don’t want to share everything just yet. 

Find out more in two weeks.


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