• About
  • Careers
  • Newsletter

Swipe Right

-

If there’s anything we can agree on, it’s that 2017 has been a weird, nontraditional year.

Today’s headlines read a little more like a dystopian novel than most of us find comforting.

As we approach the end of the semester and put the finishing touches on our Christmas wish lists, I know that many of you are struggling to decide what presents you should give the special people in your life. As a Muslim, I don’t celebrate Christmas. I also have a far more removed, more objective perspective that allows me to be the ideal nontraditional gift-giving advisor in 2017.

1.) Significant other

Does your boyfriend never go the extra mile? Don’t get him a Christmas gift.

Take that last letter from him. Give him a Christmas gif.

(Do not use this as an excuse to pronounce “gif” with a hard “g.” It’s a soft “g,” and that is a hill on which I will gladly die.)

2.) Parents

They brought you against your will, kicking and screaming into this thankless void. “Into college?” you ask. No, my friend. Into Life.

Get them an exotic animal of some sort to replace you, because you are exotic and special, but not too exotic because you’re not that special. An emu, maybe?

3.) Best friend

Some ice cubes. Ice cubes are always handy, and if your best friend is anything like my best friend, they could use the chill.

4.) Siblings

You want your siblings to be genuinely kind, well-rounded people, yes? Indulge them in the spirit of the season and show them the joys of charity by writing them a loving poem on the backs of Craigslist odd-job printouts (you must also sign them up for odd jobs on Craigslist.)

5.) Teachers

School got you down this holiday season? Don’t go back. Send an emu in your stead.

And if you decide not to take my advice and return next semester to see a tall, flightless bird with a hijab, don’t question it.


 

Latest news

The Suffocating Anger George Floyd’s Life Sparked

I wish I wasn’t writing this piece, but was compelled to do so. I’m sick and tired of being a young black man always watching my back out of fear for incidents like this, where George Floyd had a knee on his neck for 8 minutes, as if he was a dog and not human.

Petal Protest May 2020 Photo Gallery

Members of the Petal-Hattiesburg community joined together for three days on the Petal City Hall lawn to...

President announces modifications to Fall Semester

The University of Southern Mississippi (USM) has announced plans to condense the Fall 2020 semester calendar in an effort to limit student travel into and out of the region and help prevent the potential spread of COVID-19.

Media students try to stay positive about post-grad future

Over 1.3 million students across the country prepare for graduation, the biggest challenge they face is finding work in light of the COVID-19 epidemic.

Caution is not enough for students to return

The only way many students will feel comfortable is by rule enforcement to ensure the spread of COVID-19 is put at a halt.

Now is the time to reopen Mississippi

Now is the time to reopen. Our communities will not make it if nonessential businesses remain closed.

Must read

The Suffocating Anger George Floyd’s Life Sparked

I wish I wasn’t writing this piece, but was compelled to do so. I’m sick and tired of being a young black man always watching my back out of fear for incidents like this, where George Floyd had a knee on his neck for 8 minutes, as if he was a dog and not human.

Petal Protest May 2020 Photo Gallery

Members of the Petal-Hattiesburg community joined together...

You might also likeRELATED
Recommended to you