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If there’s anything we can agree on, it’s that 2017 has been a weird, nontraditional year.

Today’s headlines read a little more like a dystopian novel than most of us find comforting.

As we approach the end of the semester and put the finishing touches on our Christmas wish lists, I know that many of you are struggling to decide what presents you should give the special people in your life. As a Muslim, I don’t celebrate Christmas. I also have a far more removed, more objective perspective that allows me to be the ideal nontraditional gift-giving advisor in 2017.

1.) Significant other

Does your boyfriend never go the extra mile? Don’t get him a Christmas gift.

Take that last letter from him. Give him a Christmas gif.

(Do not use this as an excuse to pronounce “gif” with a hard “g.” It’s a soft “g,” and that is a hill on which I will gladly die.)

2.) Parents

They brought you against your will, kicking and screaming into this thankless void. “Into college?” you ask. No, my friend. Into Life.

Get them an exotic animal of some sort to replace you, because you are exotic and special, but not too exotic because you’re not that special. An emu, maybe?

3.) Best friend

Some ice cubes. Ice cubes are always handy, and if your best friend is anything like my best friend, they could use the chill.

4.) Siblings

You want your siblings to be genuinely kind, well-rounded people, yes? Indulge them in the spirit of the season and show them the joys of charity by writing them a loving poem on the backs of Craigslist odd-job printouts (you must also sign them up for odd jobs on Craigslist.)

5.) Teachers

School got you down this holiday season? Don’t go back. Send an emu in your stead.

And if you decide not to take my advice and return next semester to see a tall, flightless bird with a hijab, don’t question it.


 

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