What makes a great American?
Some might say being a dutiful voter does the trick. Others might refer to a great American as one who contributes to his or her country in a positive and meaningful way while encouraging others to do the same.
Of course, a “positive and meaningful way” can be interpreted very broadly, but there is one surefire method to instantly becoming the greatest American to walk the face of the planet.
That method, of course, is creating a Twitter account dedicated to the American values that we all share.
So, logically, one would then move on to the next question that follows that statement: what exactly are these values? But the great American minds already know the answer.
They’ve known their entire lives: the apple pies, the obesity, the casual racism and the absolute partisan loyalty (make sure it’s to the red and not the blue people) which must be exercised without fail. These are just a few of the important values that compose the mindset of the true American.
The Cloyd Rivers Twitter account is the epitome of that American greatness and excellence that comes from the truly patriotic things in life, like owning guns, drinking alcohol or voting Republican. As every American knows, true excellence in citizenship comes, for example, from shooting guns at things, not carefully studying the history of our nation and other such educational pursuits.
So, with the amount of praise heaped upon Cloyd Rivers in this article thus far, the inquisitive mind might then ask, “What sort of brilliant discourse has Rivers espoused to the fair and sophisticated American population?”
“Trick or treat, our tea is sweet. We win World Wars and eat red meat. Merica.”
Alas, the above statement is just one solitary piece of wisdom from the man who is the absolute embodiment of a real American. Are those not the words of an accomplished scholar? I’d share a Baconator ™ or two, or three or four with this man any day.
I may even dedicate my honors thesis to that statement alone for how absolutely groundbreaking it is. But for now, I’ll just stick with a small breakdown of this exemplification of patriotism.
Like any other reasonably patriotic American, Cloyd obviously realizes that the true cornerstone of American society is the sole existence of sweet tea. This obviously means that the many states where it is not regularly served are godless heathen states whose citizens are unworthy of the title of American. Don’t try to object to it; your heart knows it to be true as you read this.
Slightly less important are adherences to the fact that we’ve single-handedly won both World Wars and that we must eat red meat at all times lest we turn into dirty commies, but these are still crucial things to remember when contemplating what makes you a true-blooded citizen of the United States. Revisionist history is OK as long as it supports your worldview, and red meat is second only to sweet tea in its importance to American citizenship and its historical impact.
However, the Cloyd Rivers account is always open for the able-bodied American citizen to take inspiration from. If you ever find yourself questioning the legitimacy of American society or believe it has major societal problems in any way, just have a stimulating look at Rivers’ genius on Twitter to remember the important (read: non-important) things in the ideal patriotic life. Like eating at fast food restaurants at least 15 times a week.